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It's alot of fun, but it's also kind of amazing that I use Facebook and Twitter all the time, but I still don't know alot of the things that are asked.

Cover Girl

http://www.facebook.com/covergirl?v=app_160134610689223
Visit the COVERGIRL Facebook page and go to the MyCOVERGIRL tab to register for the 50th anniversary celebration. Add your photo to get the fun started with a cool interactive app that will let your friends know why you're a COVERGIRL! The first 1,000 COVERGIRLs who register receive a FREE LashBlast Volume Mascara!

It's kind of cool that CoverGirl is doing this.. I have never really worn makeup, but the ads don't seem too showy.. Everyone can be a COVERGIRL.

The Past Year

It's been a year since one of the hardest changes of my life. My youth pastor died on October 30, 2009 and that day changed my whole way of thinking. I had always been a anxious child and teenager, always afraid something bad would happen to me or the ones I love, but this was the first time something really hit home. Someone close to me died and the lives of the people I loved were shattered. I don't know if I ever really learned to cope with the idea that something horrible could happen in my life. I always knew to expect it, but I never really did expect it when it happened. Because of this, I will probably be a little guarded today because I am never truly prepared for bad news. Since that day, I tend to picture worst case happenings a lot more though. When my parents call me and leave a voice mail, I freak out thinking something has gone wrong. In the few months after Dan's death, I was a mess. I became so sure that something else was going to happen, I made myself sick. I could not relax for fear that that's when it would happen. For a while, I could not eat very much because I was afraid of throwing up. Since I was afraid of throwing up, I was afraid to eat. I would also get panicky every time I felt sick to my stomach which, because of nerves, was often. After a while, I started eating again without fear of puking, but I had different fears. I was afraid of something bad happening and that I had no control over it. Even during times when I felt like I was supposed to be happy, I would have disturbing thoughts and I would scold myself for thinking such things. I remember feeling somewhat depressed on Christmas Eve, but I felt so guilty because I thought I should be so happy, because circumstantially I was content and happy, but I still felt like something bad could or was about to happen. This carried into my Spring Semester of sophomore year. I honestly don't think I had this much worry before October of last year. It affected my friendships as my friends did not know what to do with me and my weird crying fits. I am pretty sure it affected my grades to some degree, even though schoolwork was a good distraction from my anxious thoughts. I remember thinking if I would ever be normal or be able to live my life without always feeling like I have to be aware of everything going on around me or else something bad could happen. I knew I had to change when I had a major freak out about being by myself. I feared that being alone meant that if something bad did happen that no one would be able to help me. At that point, I knew I needed to come up with a plan to figure out what was wrong with my thinking and change it. When I came to school my junior year, I dreaded all the changes I had to go through. I had to make new friends, I needed to essentially find a new support group that would be able to deal with my emotional outbursts sometimes. At first and for the longest time, I wanted to make friends so that I could focus on them and I would be able to stop thinking about those disturbing scenarios that would haunt me at random times. Somehow, I made new friends and decided that I would step out of my comfort zone a little. A little turned into quite a bit and I started making new friends nearly every day. I was slowly starting to build a network of friends that would be here for me if something bad did happen. I was also starting to realize how much I really do love people and how awesome it was to have friends. It's an awesome feeling to have people that love me and would want to hang out with me. I also started to go to counseling. I knew I had to go after I figured I could not figure this all out on my own. I've learned so much about how my thoughts are just thoughts and just being able to verbalize my fears to someone has helped the healing process. For the most part, I am OK now. I have my ups and downs but the thoughts have subsided and I am able to go weeks without being overly anxious. For months I had dreaded this day because I was going to turn this day into a sad one about how this day turned me into a mess. I was going to talk about how since October I have been afraid of living my life. I was going to mention that October 30, 2009 turned my life upside down in a horrible way and it's been a horrible ride since. While some of these things are true in some ways, in the past year, I have grown and been pushed in ways I could have never thought possible a year ago. Instead of looking at all the tears and pain I have been through in the past year as a negative, I look at today and know that God has brought me through all that and I am here today peaceful, joyful, and ready for the next year.

Oh My Gosh! I'm a college student!

Hey all!

I am sorry for lack of updates. Like always, each time I want to get on here to write, I get distracted or I run out of time. I have time now, so I will give you the "low-down" on my college life and how I am coping. How shall I start? Everything is so new and different. Things are different everyday. One day I am totally loving every aspect, then the next I want to be home lounging in my PJs. I think I will have to break down my thoughts into categories for me to tell you guys most of it.

Classes- Some of the classes that I thought would be hard are actually easier then I thought. Then the classes I was not as worried about are scarier then I thought. My favorite class so far is either Intro to Communication Arts or Transitions. They are both fairly easy classes with little to no homework. The hardest class is Intro to Media Writing. That is the class related to my major: Journalism. It's quite a scary class. My first assignment due the first week of class was a 500 word feature story on a article on the current state of journalism. I had slaved and cried over, and I still don't have a grade yet. I am hoping to get some kind of feedback soon. There are two good things about this class though. One, it's in a awesome room. It's called the "News Lab" and it was built just for us journalism students. Aren't we special? There are 3 or 4 rows of long desks and each chair has a Apple computer. (They are really expensive yet wonderful computers.) The other thing I like about the class is that it is small. There are only about 10 or 12 journalist majors so far at Cedarville. I hope that means that we can become close friends as we are the pioneers of journalism at Cedarville. But, I think this class will challenge me and pretty much decide my future. If I can't handle this class, I won't be able to handle Journalism.

Friends- I do have some friends already. I don't have any "best friends" but that is only a matter of time. It's scary to go in the cafeteria and not no where to sit, but I have met the nicest and coolest people just by sitting down with them randomly. I guess that is something you have to do in college. You have to choose to meet people and be a little bit more out there then you usually are. My unit is getting pretty close and I get along great with our co-unit next door. We actually have a RA just for the two units and she is super cool. Some of the girls have been calling her mommy but I just call her Faith for now. We also have brother units and they are also really nice and cool. We did not know how they would be because they are from the "geeky" dorms but we grew to love them. They will be very cool brothers. Some of them are even cute.. hehe... Yes, speaking of cute guys, I am not dating anyone yet, but I have found some cute guy that I would like to get to know better. I'll let you know any developments. :)

God- Chapel has been an amazing thing since I have been here. I am so glad that I chose a Christian college. You can just tell that God is with us here. I am going to watch a Gilmore Girls marathon with my units now! TTYL. I will get a chance to finish everything tomorrow.

College is finally here...

Right now, I am sitting in my unit lounge. It's actually pretty nice.. It has a couch thing and a chair. They are pretty comfy, so I can't complain. It's also pretty good size. It's all tile but it's pretty homey. You might want to know about my room then. Or maybe, I should start with my dorm.. It's my dream come true.. It's not the prettiest or most high tech, but it has a nice size courtyard. You have to get into the courtyard to get into the units. Once you get into the units, there is the lounge, a bathroom, and four rooms. I am in room C. It's a pretty nice room. I have most of my stuff organized, but I still have tomorrow with my family to help me. I will get a bookshelf and microwave. Oh, and I shower caddy.. And some snacks. I am going to be all set for college life.. Now, I just need to adjust to new people. I am having a hard time trying to make friends and being outgoing. I am sure that will get better over time, but I still feel bad about it. Well, I will write a little more later. I have to look at my schedule for tomorrow. It's hectic..

P.S.- The campus is so pretty. There are no words to describe it. When I arrived and saw it, I cried.

How do we know?

How do we know what Gods wants us to do? How do we know if we are doing what he wants us to do? If are taking a certain path, how do we know we are right with God? How can we be sure we are following him? These are the questions I am fighting with this morning. As I am going off to college, I have become more overwhelmed then I ever though I could be. My life is in the balance, and I don't really know where I am going. Sometimes, I don't know who I am. Things get confusing and then I just breakdown. I don't like it. I want to be unbreakable and strong and be able to take everything that comes. Sometimes, I just feel so weak and helpless.

Ya know, as I am typing this, I am thinking of these things, God has already answered my questions. Who am I? I am a child of god. God has great things planned for me. I am struggling to figure out what I should be doing and if God is using me. I want to be used. I want to change the world, but I don't have the chances that other people do. I don't know how can use me with what I have now. I love how God uses simple things to get his is point across. I got this email yesterday. I have signed up for a daily encouraging word from K-love. "Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

~ 1 Thessalonians 5:18, NLT" He is telling me that I am where he has made me to be. I need to be happy and content with where I am, because I don't know His will. I just have to let life unfold everyday and pray for chances to make a difference. This is what I got today. This made me cry. "And we are confident that he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him.

~ 1 John 5:14, NLT" He hears me when I am crying out to Him when I am weak and ready to just give up. I am glad he hears when I cry out for help to do His Will.

A week and a day later..

Wow.. See, I post again soon after the last one.. I was not going to, but then I had inspiration and so I decided I would. In order to get something done, I have to just do it. I can't set times or say I will do it later. I like to put things off to the last minute.. hehe..

So, I was about to graduate last time I posted. Well, I did graduate, with honors and a $500 scholarships.. I also graduated with blisters. I had to wear formal shoes and I don't ever wear nice, formal shoes. I always wear running shoes. Well, the backs of these shoes cut and rubbed into my heal. They actually rubbed my heal raw and when the ceremony was over, I looked to see why they hurt; they were almost bleeding. So, that was loads of fun. But, they are all healed now. No more blisters.. just scabs. Other then that, the ceremony was awesome! I was so amazed the whole time.. "Wait, Am I really here already?" I mean, I counted down the days ever since the beginning of the year. For it to be right in front of me was insane. But, I soaked up every minute of it. Even my uncle told me I had the "graduate" look.

Now, that graduation is over, college is really coming. I am getting super excited and super worried. It's really coming.. In TWO months (almost) I will be on campus ready for my first year. Two months! That's not very long at all. That's not even a full season. It will still be summer when I arrive on campus. I am a little scared about it actually. I can't turn back. I already have my major selected (Journalism), my deposit in and aid award finalized. Wanna know something amazing?! I have it all paid for.. Well sorta.. I needed about 10 thousand more and I applied for a private loan. I was approved! Now I am waiting for documents so it can be sent to my school. But, this means I won't have to worry. All I have to worry about now is graduated from college so I will have a job to pay off these loans. But, my first year of college is possible! Crazy?! I spend so many days and hours crying out to God wondering how I was ever going to afford it. Now, I look back and wonder how I could ever have such little faith. I once felt like I was drowning and like there was no hope for my dreams. In God's timing, not mine, He made everything perfect. He turned a seemingly impossible situation and blessed me more then I thought He would. I am always so impatient. I usually want to see things happen NOW. I don't like "wait and see." I have had to learn so much of that this past year, these past months. Even though I hated it, I waited. It has finally paid off because God knew what he was doing. His timing is always perfect. It's never late and never early.

Well, I am gonna do some reading or just relax. I am very tired and sore. I might even sleep.

Over and out,
Brenna