Me being Emo.

I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I should spend the next two hours hanging out with my friends or crying in my room. I need to get the emotion out. I don't think I could go out there and pretend to smile. It just hit me hard a little bit ago; I am leaving. I am leaving. I am going back home and leaving Cedarville possibly forever. I may never see some of the people here again. It's sad to think that I have to somehow get back into my basic routine when I was just getting used to this one. I think I am going to just turn my music on and cry for a little bit. Maybe. I don't know! I am kind of tired but I don't want to go to bed because I have to take each moment I have here as something special. So I may go to bed at 1 or 2. I am not sure.

Almost over..

I am almost ready to go home. Well, its Saturday that I go back home. I am so relieved to go back home, but I also want to stay here too. I have met really cool people and have made good friends. I don't want to leave them. Well, its a good thing they have Facebook and email. I sooo want to just be home watching T.V and hanging out with my best friends in the whole world (my sisters). I have so many mixed feelings. I want to go, I don't want to go. If there was a way to stay here with my friends and go home, I would want that option. I want to eat lunch with them and laugh until my side hurts. I want to stay here where I have a group of friends to hang out with. I have friends at home, but we don't really hang as a group. But this experience has taught me to take more risks socially. At church now, if there is a group of people that are talking, I will join them. Even if I don't know them, I will get to know them by talking to them. I need to be more "out there". Not outgoing, but ready to join conversations and be willing to share things about myself that I usally don't.

Ok.. so I am kind of studying. Well, my study partner is while I type. I am kind of studying though, but I had to look up a storm that is over here. It was really dark outside so it was distracting. It is not as dark out now, but it is still storming. Alright, well, I have other things I must do. I am excited that my parents are comming tommorow and they are going to join me for dinner. My sisters are also comming for dinner. Well, I really need to get to flashcards.

Brenna

Update and a small rant.

Hey everyone! I hope things are well with you guys. Things are going good for me, for the most part. There are a few annoyances but I am working to get around them. First, there are groups of poeple; clicks. I love hanging out with poeple, but its sometimes hard when certain people hang out with certain poeple. Who knows? I may be wrong, but it seems like some poeple have already found where they belong and are sticking to that. Maybe I am not trying hard enough to be outgoing but I would like it if people came to me to talk or hang out. I don't know. It's probally just some underlying problem of not being content. I have met awesome people here, and while I don't belong to a group of friends, I can say that all the poeple here are in some ways friends of mine.

You guys started this blog to find out what I have been up to and I start talking about more deeper things. I am sorry for that. This is apart of my time here. I am trying to figure out who I am and where I belong. I want to be in the center of God's will for my life and I can only pray that that is where I am. I have learned new things about myself. I can do anything pretty much. I am WAY more independent than I thought. I am able to conquer fears I thought were impossible to conquer. I have learned to put myself out there and not be afraid of how others respond. I have learned that being in a group is not everything, and you can be apart of a group without being "apart" of a group. I can handle college level work. I can handle a lot more than I thought. I am soo ready for college. It's weird. I want to come back here, but part of me wants to go home and stay home, because that is where I am accepted. I am afraid if I come back, it will be the same and I will once again, feel left out, but this time for 4 years. You see, I want to be friends with everyone. I like hanging out with a diverse amount of people. I guess I have to realize that there are groups that I will never really be apart of.

Today was my first exam. It is not as bad as a thought, but I am not sure if I did a group job. I hope so. I want to get into Princeton. In case you don't know, I am a overachiver. I strive for my personal best. I don't EVER want to settle for something that does not meet my standards and God's. As I am realizing that I might want to come back here for college, I am scared that I will have missed my big chance at Princeton, Yale or Bucknell. In chapel today, the speaker was talking about how so many people take God's will as being a dot which you have to land on. I am one of those people. If I don't go to the right college, I will mess up my entire future. I could end up in a career that I hate doing and never get married. I don't know where I am supposed to go and that scares me very much. I want life to be like "Touched by a angel" or "Joan of Arcadia". God will just give me a assignment and I complete it and go on to the next one untill I reach heaven.

Once again, I am sorry for those of who wanted a play by play of how life is like here. Well, in a way, this is the way life is here.

Oh, one more thing. I am not sure how many people are reading this from home, but I would like mail. I hate to sound like a brat, but do you guys even miss me? Brenna? Who is that? Oh, thats right, she is that one girl who comes every Sunday with her sisters. I did not know she was gone. Huh.

Alright, I have taken myself from happy to thoughful to slightly sad. Great. Well, I got to go.

Ttyl,
Brenna

Don't worry.

This post is to remind all of you that I am alive and well. I am not sick anymore and I can get off my cracker diet! Yay. I am so tired and happy and tired and stressed and all sorts of things at the moment. To sum it up real quick, there are days when I don't want to be here at all and I would rather be at home sitting in front of the TV with my sisters. I miss them. But then there are days when I know God put me here for a special purpose and I want to follow him in whatever I do. I love it here but I don't like it here sometimes. I don't know. I am slightly confused. I know, I am confusing myself. Stop thinking so much, Brenna! There are so many things I have done in the last few days. First, I cried. Yeah, I am a emo person sometimes but that is ok I guess. (side note- I am writing whatever comes to my mind so if I get off topic, just remember that I have ADD.) Well, I was crying because I find it hard to fit into a certain group. I just want a group to hang out with. A group that will sit with me at lunch and stuff like that. I always have a hard time doing that and I don't think is not all thier fault. I am always thinking that I will never fit in. I always say to myself, "I am not cool enough to hang out in that group." I know I have esteem issues, but its tough when people don't always come up to talk. There are days when I am like "WOW, I fit in" and the next day i'll be like, "They don't want me to hang out with them." Its tough. So, I was crying and asking God to fill that whole in my life. I don't think he did, but I know its Ok if I am not super popularity girl. God made me realize something. If all the outgoing kids hung out together, who would hang out with the shy kids. Who would make them feel apart of a group? If they are like me, they want to be in a group, but they don't think themselves to be ____ enough. I dinner is going to be here soon. I will finish this up when I get back.

I love and miss you guys,
Brenna

College Day 4 and 5

Right now, I am sitting in my PJ's in my room. Yes, I am not in class, because I am sick. I think I have some stomach flu or something. I don't want to take a shower or go to class, because it is WAY to far from a bathroom. Plus, if I don't feel good at all, I won't learn anything in class. I know that people will fill me in about the class, and I hope there is no quiz today. Well, if there is, I will do it another day I guess.

So, I was going to write this blog but I got sidetracked started looking at Facebooks. About 20 students have Facebook so I many more Facebook friends now. Its nice. They do funny things and there is a group for Summer Studies and they have pictures up there, but I am not in any of them. Alright, I bet you guys want to know what I have been doing.

Lets see,

On Tuesday, I went to class. After the first class was chapel. Chapel is located in a regular event room so its not traditional at all. Its cool because they have worship and then a guest speaker. Another class, and then lunch. I think I had a taco. The room is so crowded at it is hard to find people to sit with. Then after lunch a friend and I went to get a sweater from our dorm because the classrooms are so cold. We barely make it back to class and I was late by 3 minutes or so. It was alright though. More class. There is alot of class time but it is OK but it is pretty fun. Got back to the dorm and read, I think, or maybe I hung out in some of the rooms. I went over to some of the rooms and talked to some of the other girls. It was nice to find that alot of people have the same things in common. I don't really remember all that much now. I know you guys want alot more detail but I have gone insane recently. Yesterday, in the cafeteria when I was getting silverware, I grabbed 3 forks. I did not need 3 forks but I put them on my plate. I realized what I was doing and slapped my self on the forehead and shaped my finger into a gun and pointed at my forehead. One of the guys must of been behind me because he said "That was really cute." I just rolled my eyes and walked away. He is one of those hyper types. If Lori were here and he was 2 years younger, Lori would probably like him. I also figured out another reason for my complete insanity, besides the amount of reading in my class. There is this guy that I really want to get to know, but I don't know how. He was walking by 3 minutes before my insane act so I think it is partly his fault. He is very mysterious. He seems shy but I don't think he is. Oh well, he will be going home soon and lets just say he does not live in Ohio. Oh, well, if it is meant to be, God will work it out.

So, what else do you want to know? Am I homesick? Yes. I feel like I love this place but I want to be home and watching TV and not having to worry about Federalism or the Constitution. I miss my kitty. I miss her curling up in my lap all cutely. I also miss my family. I miss my sisters. I want to talk to them about boys or imaginary world. I miss my parents and their talks with me. I miss my iced coffee drinks. I know I have another week, but I am just realizing how nice I have it at home. Some of the students don't even want to go home, and that makes me wonder how God gave me such an awesome family. I also miss my friends and church. If you are reading this and consider yourself a friend of mine, I miss you! Please email me, IM me or send me mail. I love mail, but I not gotten any yet.

I am going to sum up the rest of the days for you now. Putt Putt, singing, laughing, prayer, Flip Flops, studying, ice cream, Facebook, class, more studying and sleep. I am going to go to lunch soon and then go to the last class of the day. Alright,

TTYL,
Brenna

College Day 3

Yeah, so I started class today. I like my professor. He is very animated and humorous. I am pretty glad to be in his class. I hope you guys don't expect me to make a long page like I did yesterday. I really can't cuz there is so much reading I have yet to do. I am a slow reader and there is alot to read, so I am not totally sure I will make it, but with the strength of God I can do anything.

I have so many friends now; I am going to hate to leave. Maybe if I come back next year, there will some of them here. I already have some of the girls Facebook so we can still keep in touch. There is even a guy that I kind of think is cute and overall very cool. So I must sign off now. I hope my friends are going to send me mail...

College. Day 2

Hey everyone. I survived my first day away from my family. It was hard. I almost cried when they pulled away leaving me to check into my room. Its better now. I already know so many people. I even remember names. I felt apart of this group after one day, I can't believe what it will be like after 2 weeks. I start classes on Monday. YAY. I am pretty excited because there are only 45 students here. That means that there will probally be 10 students in my class. That is like a dream come true for me.

My impressions of the school are really nice, it is def. a place where I could consider going. My feelings could change later, but this place is nothing like I thought it would be. The RAs are funny. They have a sense of humor. I thought they would be a bunch of extra conservative poeple, but they remind me of my youth leaders back home. Its nice.

Ok, on to what I did last night. After I unpacked, all the students went to the Green Center and we met the RAs and RDs. Then we played some games. The first game we had to find signutures for the things on this list. You had to go around and ask poeple if they could sign your list. One of them was "you have been on television". I signed that for a lot a poeple. This was a great way to introduce myself. After that we played "Wind blows". There are two students in the center of a circle and everyone else in sitting in a chair. The two people find something in common and say "The wind blows if you are wearing blue" or something like that. Everyone runs to another seat if that is true for them. The two left standing find something they have in common and it starts again. I don't really like running but this game was fun. I got in the center maybe 3 times. The last game was fun too, but I don't have all that much time to talk about it. I'll sum up the rest of the night. Beach ball vollyball, fun, hanging out in dorm, fun, rootbeer floats and rules, small group time, met the RA's for the girls and went to sleep.

I took a shower this morning. It was not as weird as I thought. It was nice. Well, now I have to finish my hair and do my make-up for church. Yes, I am going to church, unlike some heathens that I know(you know who you are ;) )

I may give update later, but if not, I'll post tommorow.

Brenna