What I have realized recently..

Hey everyone. I just want to tell you right off the bat that this point will NOT be me complaining about how my life is confusing and how confused I am. I am sorry about that. This post is more about what I am trying to learn that is really hard sometimes.

My life is not bad at all. I am blessed beyond belief. I don't deserve any of it, but somehow, it's what I got. I got a family that loves me and takes care of me. Just yesterday I wanted an apple pie from McDonalds, so my dad drove out of the way to get me two. My mom bought me my favorite cereal from the store the other day. My parents are so good to me, even if they can be really annoying. Sometimes, I don't know how I can repay them for all they do, except to do my best and make them proud. I love them so much.

I have great sisters. They are my bestest friends. Growing up with sister close to my age was like growing up with built in best friends. I love them both. I usally annoy them, but I
think they know how much I just like to make them laugh or yell at me. It's lots of fun.

I have awesome friends! Yeah, I complain how I am unpopular and I know that is true- not going to deny it. But if I have just one friend that cares enough about me, then I have all the friends I need. I go back and forth between feeling accepted and feeling like a loner. I realized that I have always have had at least one true friend. I think the problem was me. I felt like I was left out. It had to do with how I thought. I kept trying to fit into the wrong groups because I have always wanted to be friends with everyone. You know what? Even if all my freinds abandon me- which is possible cuz they are human- God is still the BEST FRIEND anyone could ask for.

So, yeah, this is me trying to figure out why I feel that my life is terrible sometimes when I have soo much. Its all about perception I guess.

I don't know...

Right now all I feel like doing is crying. I am not really sure either. Maybe I miss my friends from Cedarville. Maybe I am overwhelmed because I still don't have everything done. I don't know why I am so low right now. I just want this annoying feeling to go away. I want to do so many things at once, but I can only do one. I am probably making no sense, because I really don't even know how I feel right now. Maybe I should just lay down for awhile. I just wanted to blog and keep you guys updated. I am sorry that sometimes I don't feel like writing the details of my life down. It seems like when I want to write those things down, I don't have time. When I have to time to write everything down, I don't want to do it anymore.

I got a job today. My first job. I am a working woman now! I work with my mom (tough stuff). I am a barista. It's a lot of work but it is really rewarding. I am glad I could get this job. It has been a dream of mine to work in a coffee shop or a bookstore. I got new shoes so my feet were really hurting the whole time.

Gosh you guys have no idea how bad I feel because I promise to write about my life and I don't. I can't. Its like I get on here and I lose all interest in talking about what happened in my day. I am just really overwhelmed. There are so many things I want to do. I feel like a horrible friend, family member and Christian because I don't have the time and energy to do everything I want to. I want to do everything. I want to be the best person I can be. I want to pray for EVERY single prayer request someone I love has. I want to have time to talk to all my friends about their problems. I want to make a difference in someones life, but I get too overwhelmed. I want to do so much than what I do now. I want to CHANGE THE WORLD. I want to give all my money to the homeless, but I have to pay off loans. I want to sponsor a child in Africa, but I have to pay off money that I owe people. I have to put myself through driving school. I want to live solely for God and His plans but that overwhelms to point that I am paralyzed. God can't use me when I am like a deer in headlights; just standing there not knowing what to do. There I go crying again. Maybe I need rest. I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe it's because I have been fighting with God. I think he wants me to go to Cedarville. I don't know if I want to, even though I love the place and the people. I'm scared that I might miss something if I don't go to Princeton or Bucknell. Wait, but won't God have something better planned for me. Something that surpasses anything I could have ever thought would be the best college experience. Fine, right here, right now. I made my choice. If I get accepted to Cedarville, I am going. I give my dreams of prestige colleges to you, God.

Well, I am going to rest now.

Brenna

Detail for last post!

Hey.

I know its late again, but this time I will post longer. I tend to learn about myself when it is late at night because I would say or think things that I would not normally. Ok, what was first on that list?

College class..

So I guess I got a "A" in Politics and American Culture. I got a 95 on my final exam. I was like "oh my goodness, I got an A in a college class." I can do it. Its not impossible to succeed in a college setting. It's crazy to think that I could do it. I have never taken any type of class where I had to take notes and do extra reading. I never had a written exam before either. I did it though. I made it! I can't believe it! A part of me still thinks that the class was made easier for us and so we were set up to get "A"s. My parents say that is just me being hard on myself. They could be right, but I want to know that this class was a challenge. I like challenges. It makes me feel good about myself when I do something that I did not think I could ever do.

Giving blood...

Ever since I turned 17 and knew that I could give blood, I wanted to. Yesterday, I went to a blood drive with one of my friends. She had given blood many times before and she told me it was no big deal. On the way, I was slightly nervous but mostly I was excited. I don't have money to give to charities and so I always try to think of ways I can help. Giving blood is one of these little ways. I got there and filled out the forms. It took longer than I thought and it was probably a hour until the actual blood part. When I went to sit, I asked the technician lots of questions. Of each step of the process, I asked at least one question. I don't think he minded but I felt bad afterwards. It hurt when the needle went in, but not too bad. The blood sample at the beginning was the worst, because they prick your finger. So, I sat there and about half way through the process I got dizzy. All of a sudden I felt lightheaded, like I was going to pass out. My vision got blury. It was really scaring. I told him and it was like a ER scene. Within seconds I was laying flat and they put wet cloths on my forehead and neck. They told me not to close my eyes and I got kind of scared. My stomach was a little quesy but soon I felt better. After they took all the blood they needed, he gave a can of apple juice and I sat there for awhile. I was glad that he was really nice to me because I was still a little anxious. Afterwards, I realized that it was worth it. They told me that I can save three lives with the blood they took. That's really neat.

I am going to blog about the rest later. I don't feel like writing anymore. Now, its just reading time.

Here are some tibbits of my day- talking to college buddies, facebook, TV, fireworks (the best I've seen, they were awesome.) Today was a good day. I thank the Lord for the blessings I have recieved in a short 24 hours.

Brenna

Late night blogging

Hi.

I wanted to go into this really long blog about the past couple of days, but I got on the computer and did everything else except for what I wanted to do. Now, it is late and I must be going to bed. I want to let everyone know that I am alive and well, but I miss my college friends. My friends from back home do not seem to care as much, at least most of them. 

Here are some of the things I will discuss in detail when I have time.

My college class

Giving blood for the first time

My friends from college

My ACT scores

Where I want to go to college

I am sorry I can not go into detail tonight, but as soon as I can I will.

Love to all and Happy 4th of July,

Brenna

Me being Emo.

I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I should spend the next two hours hanging out with my friends or crying in my room. I need to get the emotion out. I don't think I could go out there and pretend to smile. It just hit me hard a little bit ago; I am leaving. I am leaving. I am going back home and leaving Cedarville possibly forever. I may never see some of the people here again. It's sad to think that I have to somehow get back into my basic routine when I was just getting used to this one. I think I am going to just turn my music on and cry for a little bit. Maybe. I don't know! I am kind of tired but I don't want to go to bed because I have to take each moment I have here as something special. So I may go to bed at 1 or 2. I am not sure.

Almost over..

I am almost ready to go home. Well, its Saturday that I go back home. I am so relieved to go back home, but I also want to stay here too. I have met really cool people and have made good friends. I don't want to leave them. Well, its a good thing they have Facebook and email. I sooo want to just be home watching T.V and hanging out with my best friends in the whole world (my sisters). I have so many mixed feelings. I want to go, I don't want to go. If there was a way to stay here with my friends and go home, I would want that option. I want to eat lunch with them and laugh until my side hurts. I want to stay here where I have a group of friends to hang out with. I have friends at home, but we don't really hang as a group. But this experience has taught me to take more risks socially. At church now, if there is a group of people that are talking, I will join them. Even if I don't know them, I will get to know them by talking to them. I need to be more "out there". Not outgoing, but ready to join conversations and be willing to share things about myself that I usally don't.

Ok.. so I am kind of studying. Well, my study partner is while I type. I am kind of studying though, but I had to look up a storm that is over here. It was really dark outside so it was distracting. It is not as dark out now, but it is still storming. Alright, well, I have other things I must do. I am excited that my parents are comming tommorow and they are going to join me for dinner. My sisters are also comming for dinner. Well, I really need to get to flashcards.

Brenna

Update and a small rant.

Hey everyone! I hope things are well with you guys. Things are going good for me, for the most part. There are a few annoyances but I am working to get around them. First, there are groups of poeple; clicks. I love hanging out with poeple, but its sometimes hard when certain people hang out with certain poeple. Who knows? I may be wrong, but it seems like some poeple have already found where they belong and are sticking to that. Maybe I am not trying hard enough to be outgoing but I would like it if people came to me to talk or hang out. I don't know. It's probally just some underlying problem of not being content. I have met awesome people here, and while I don't belong to a group of friends, I can say that all the poeple here are in some ways friends of mine.

You guys started this blog to find out what I have been up to and I start talking about more deeper things. I am sorry for that. This is apart of my time here. I am trying to figure out who I am and where I belong. I want to be in the center of God's will for my life and I can only pray that that is where I am. I have learned new things about myself. I can do anything pretty much. I am WAY more independent than I thought. I am able to conquer fears I thought were impossible to conquer. I have learned to put myself out there and not be afraid of how others respond. I have learned that being in a group is not everything, and you can be apart of a group without being "apart" of a group. I can handle college level work. I can handle a lot more than I thought. I am soo ready for college. It's weird. I want to come back here, but part of me wants to go home and stay home, because that is where I am accepted. I am afraid if I come back, it will be the same and I will once again, feel left out, but this time for 4 years. You see, I want to be friends with everyone. I like hanging out with a diverse amount of people. I guess I have to realize that there are groups that I will never really be apart of.

Today was my first exam. It is not as bad as a thought, but I am not sure if I did a group job. I hope so. I want to get into Princeton. In case you don't know, I am a overachiver. I strive for my personal best. I don't EVER want to settle for something that does not meet my standards and God's. As I am realizing that I might want to come back here for college, I am scared that I will have missed my big chance at Princeton, Yale or Bucknell. In chapel today, the speaker was talking about how so many people take God's will as being a dot which you have to land on. I am one of those people. If I don't go to the right college, I will mess up my entire future. I could end up in a career that I hate doing and never get married. I don't know where I am supposed to go and that scares me very much. I want life to be like "Touched by a angel" or "Joan of Arcadia". God will just give me a assignment and I complete it and go on to the next one untill I reach heaven.

Once again, I am sorry for those of who wanted a play by play of how life is like here. Well, in a way, this is the way life is here.

Oh, one more thing. I am not sure how many people are reading this from home, but I would like mail. I hate to sound like a brat, but do you guys even miss me? Brenna? Who is that? Oh, thats right, she is that one girl who comes every Sunday with her sisters. I did not know she was gone. Huh.

Alright, I have taken myself from happy to thoughful to slightly sad. Great. Well, I got to go.

Ttyl,
Brenna